The Original Computer



The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise!, Surprise!

It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory,

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed!

She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway, and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you look after my dog?"


Being a senior citizen really sucks!

> Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
>
> He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Tom wanted two things:
>
> To learn how to invest his inheritance. And find a wife to share his fortune.
>
> One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
> Her natural beauty took his breath away.
>
>
> “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die,
>
> and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
>
> Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
>
> Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
>
>

During a recent Trump stop, a heckler from the audience hollered, "Hey Trump, where are you hiding your tax returns?
The Donald politely responded, "I've found a very secure place that I'm certain they won't be found."

The insistent heckler, then shouted, "And just where is that, dummy"?

The Donald smiled and said, "They are underneath Obama's college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.

"What's your next question?"

A lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a man, a woman, and three children along the roadside eating grass.

He ordered his chauffeur to stop so he could investigate.

He asked the man, “Why are you eating grass ?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

They all entered the limousine.

Once under way, the poor fellow said to the lawyer, “Sir, you are very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Footnote: There are more than 300 lawyers in the US Congress.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems like a nice person.