Bergdahl Out as Gay Muslim: Critics Shamed into Silence
Komissar Blogunov
6/10/2014, 4:14 pm

Returning POW, Bowe Bergdahl, has been lauded by ESPN and MSNBC, and several other media outlets, for his courageous coming out as a gay Muslim. Rachel Maddow devoted an entire episode of her show celebrating the “marriage” of the world’s most tolerant religion with the world’s most tolerant lifestyle. “I can’t tell you how happy I am,” said Maddow, “to see this day when gays and Muslims stand hand in hand. This is just more proof, not that we needed any, that right wing Christian Nazis are not only out of the mainstream, but fading away in our culture altogether. Maybe we can even deport Ken Ham back to Australia.”

Bergdahl also received a surprise phone call from the St. Louis Rams offering him a starting position as quarterback. Rams owner, Stan Kroenke, said, “It has nothing to do with his being a gay Muslim or our being fearful of media outrage if we didn’t draft him. He’s just the man we’re looking for to put on the field, someone who has a knack for understanding what the other side is up to. Besides, we might be able to trade him for five better players next season.”

After a congratulatory call from the president, Bergdahl was offered the position of secretary of defense, a nomination sure to pass the senate. “He represents everything I believe about America,” reverberated the president from the rose garden, “and I’m sure he’ll do even more for the military than the outgoing Chuck Hagel. What he has already done for our military and for boosting the confidence of our Afghan allies is without parallel in modern times.” Mr. Hagel nodded approvingly at the president’s remarks. Bowe’s father began chanting, “Allahu-akhbar” repeatedly. Meanwhile, Mrs. Bergdahl embraced the president, kissed him several times, and began loosening his tie while Michelle Obama and the visiting Danish prime minister looked on in apparent shock.

Halfway around the world, there was celebrating in the mountains of Afghanistan as Rainbow Jihad, until recently a lesser known al-Qaeda affiliate, heard the news of Bergdahl’s reception and promotion. “Allah be praised!” exulted an RJ warrior who called himself Ibrahim, “although I do miss Bowe sometimes.”

Wheezing from the senate floor, senate majority leader Harry Reid stated, “This nomination sends a strong message to the extremists in the TEA Party and to the Koch brothers: you have failed and your influence is dying. On the positive side, we finally have a secretary of defense who has a track record of reaching out to the other side and working together in a bipartisan fashion.”

Republican senator Lindsey Graham said that he tentatively endorses the nomination, but warned that if Bergdahl ever again betrayed his oath, abandoned his post, endangered the lives of his former comrades in arms, committed treason, or gave the enemy information that led to the deaths of more US servicemen, he would tell him to stop.

“I’m really overwhelmed,” said a tearful Bergdahl. “If I had known I would have gotten this much support and publicity, I’d have betr-, uh, reached out to the citizens of Afghanistan much sooner.” To celebrate the tidal wave of affirmations and good news, Christian baker Jack Phillips has been ordered to bake a special cake complete with rainbows, crescents, crossed swords, and verses from the Qur’an. “To me, that’s just icing on the cake,” responded a cheerful Bergdahl with a wink.

Attempts were made to contact members of Bergdahl’s platoon for their reaction to the news, but so far none have been found or seem to have existed.


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Quote: ThirstyMan wrote in post #2

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Oh boy!

May this never become true but I realize that humor has an element of truth to it.

Scary!!!

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