Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton squared off in swing states on the trail Thursday. The rest is up to the voters. It's our duty as Americans to register to vote, go to our polling stations on Election Day, and then choose between two people nobody can believe are our only available options.
Vladimir Putin last week sent a Russian fleet through the English Channel raising East-West tensions. In addition, Moscow accused America of spying on them to find out what's going on in Russia. That's ridiculous, we're too busy trying to find out from them what's going on in America.
Fox News polls shows a Trump surge that's tied Hillary in the presidential race. It's not been a lofty campaign. Just think, someday future historians will tell their classes that Western Civilization was either saved by the testimony of groped beauty pageant winners or photos of Anthony Weiner's penis.
Tom Brady attended an Under Armor promotion Thursday where he said he thinks that public interest in the election is hurting NFL TV ratings. He should have stopped there. Tom then said he supports Donald Trump for president, which automatically triggered the NFL's concussion protocols.
The Chicago Cubs were honored by a huge parade through Chicago Saturday where the Cubs were cheered by millions of long-suffering fans. It was the team's first World Series win in one hundred and eight years. That was so long ago that the 2016 presidential race hadn't even started yet.
Donald Trump spent Sunday denying Hillary's charges that he's unstable and Hillary Clinton spent all day denying Trump's charges that she's a crook. It's almost over. Americans can't wait for this election to end so we can all go back to despising each other for the football teams we support.
Hollywood's trade paper Variety gave its first-ever presidential endorsement to Hillary Clinton Friday. The industry is virtually all Democrats. However if Charlton Heston or John Wayne were alive, they'd be voting for Donald Trump, but since they're dead they'll probably be voting for Hillary.
Melania Trump gave her first campaign speech since the GOP Convention to an audience in Philadelphia Thursday. Melania vowed to use her position as First Lady to fight cyber-bullying. It prompted Democrats to suggest that she can start right now by changing Donald's Wi-Fi password.
Hillary Clinton said Mexican food is her favorite food and she took the lead among Hispanic voters. She said she loves orange juice and now leads in California. Then she told Florida there is nothing like smoking crystal meth in the Wal-Mart parking lot, and now Florida is too close to call.
Hillary Clinton faces the voters' decision today as the FBI sifts through lewd texts in Anthony Weiner's laptop for thought-to-be erased Hillary e-mail that she'd secretly transmitted to Weiner's wife. It's insane. Maybe if Anthony Weiner starts sexting again, we'll discover who assassinated JFK.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigned to the point of exhaustion all weekend. They are clearly worn out. Hillary promised Friday if elected president she's going to build a wall, a big beautiful wall, and she is going to build that wall between the FBI and the Clinton Foundation.
Hillary Clinton told a group in Florida Friday that people who care about the rule of law can't vote for Trump. She actually said that. Whenever you see a candidate's pants on fire, you can never be sure if they were just caught telling a lie or butt-dialed somebody on their Samsung Galaxies.
President Obama defended his record while campaigning for Hillary on the road Friday. The president has been getting less and less respect. Twenty minutes into his speech in North Carolina, President Obama was interrupted by audience members, who asked that he start talking about Hillary.
Election Day saw a huge voter turnout at the polling places from coast to coast Tuesday. Many Americans are complaining about the election and wondering what happened to the once-high quality of the presidential candidates. In seventy years, we've gone from FDR to JFK to LBJ to WTF.
The New York Times reported on Monday that Mexico's government was making contingency plans on what to do if Hillary or Trump won the election. They've reacted rationally after watching the American electorate for two years. Mexico decided to build a wall no matter who wins the election.
The Hollywood Reporter said Donald Trump's effective campaign despite his past history of womanizing opened the door for Hollywood stars to run. Obama himself admitted to past cocaine use and won. If you thought Trump-Clinton was wild, the stage is set in four years for Clooney vs. Sheen.
FBI Director James Comey decided to close the Hillary e-mail probe Sunday eight days after he reopened it. It surprised no one. Normally, James Comey doesn't reverse himself on deciding to investigate a crime, but apparently he found his suicide note while going through Clinton's e-mails.
Jim Comey on Saturday announced that he was clearing Hillary of prosecution in the e-mail scandal. This helped the Democrats after he helped the GOP by re-opening the probe twelve days ago. Where does Comey even get the time to read Hillary's e-mails while rigging the election for both sides.
Bill Clinton's Attorney General Janet Reno died in her sleep after a long illness Sunday. What a character. In addition to being America's first female Attorney General, she held the distinction of being the only woman in Washington D.C. that Bill Clinton never sexually harassed besides Hillary.
Election Day on Tuesday saw a massive voter turnout in the contest for U.S. president between Donald J. Trump and Hillary Rodham Clinton. The election didn't turn out to Hollywood's liking. On Wednesday morning, street vendors were selling Maps to the Stars' Place in Line at Air Canada.
New York hotel magnate Donald Trump astounded his critics in the media and Hollywood and was elected president of the United States on Tuesday. There had to be silent rejoicing on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood. Donald Trump's election is the Comedian's Full Employment Act of 2016.
Donald J. Trump was elected President of the United States on Tuesday after one of the most contentious and divisive elections in American history. Once the dust settles, there can be no doubt about one thing. Now that Trump will succeed Obama in the White House, Orange is the New Black.
Donald Trump triumphed on election night thanks in large part to his colorful but contentious and patriotic personality. It produced either a stirring idea or a consensus outrage every day. It could be the first time that Americans decided to elect a man president just out of morbid curiosity.
Newt Gingrich was mentioned Monday as the likely appointee for Secretary of State if Donald Trump was to be elected president. These two men view the world the same way. Newt and Donald were last onstage together in Atlanta for the opening of the new theme park, Six Wives Over Georgia.
The Los Angeles Equestrian Center in Burbank had to cancel polo matches and riding events and quarantine all the horses inside their stables to keep them safe. It was all due to an outbreak of a mysterious and potentially deadly horse virus. Everyone wonders what the horses had on Hillary.
Donald Trump gave a gracious victory speech in New York on Tuesday which rallied the stock markets in Europe and in Asia. The response to the U.S. election from around the world was very generous and supportive. Syria just agreed to take in one hundred thousand refugees from Hollywood.
Donald Trump holed up in Trump Tower in New York Wednesday to begin the hard work of putting together his list of cabinet appointees. Trump's economic program is already working. He wasn't the president-elect for a day and already Alec Baldwin landed four more years of steady work.
-- Argus Hamilton
Sources say that Trump is already finalizing his cabinet in case he wins tomorrow. Rudy Giuliani would be attorney general, Newt Gingrich would be secretary of state, and Chris Christie would be the wall.
Out of the 100 largest newspapers in America, Hillary has been endorsed by 57, while Trump has only been endorsed by two. The most shocking part of that story is that America still has 100 newspapers.
Donald Trump is gonna be president. Republicans hope he'll keep his promise to build the wall, and Democrats hope he'll keep his promise not to accept the election results.
After the results came in, Donald Trump gave a big victory speech. He said he couldn't have done it without the love of his life, his rock, his better half . . . FBI Director James Comey.
President Obama called Donald Trump last night to congratulate him, and even invited him to the White House for a meeting tomorrow. Of course, it was hard to understand Obama, 'cuz at the time he was chewing 80 pieces of Nicorette.
Trump also received congratulations from Russian President Vladimir Putin. They spent two minutes on the phone discussing politics, then an hour saying, "No YOU hang up!" "No YOU hang up first."
The market went down when Trump announced he's getting rid of Obamacare. The market went up when Trump simply assured everyone that he replaced it with "something terrific."
-- Jimmy Fallon
Tomorrow is Election Day, so it's time to finally decide. Are you with her, or are you with the FBI, Vladimir Putin, the KKK and Scott Baio?
It's finally Election Day, which means CNN's countdown clock starts all over again.
According to the New York Times, Donald Trump's press aides have revoked access to his Twitter account in the final days before the election. They changed his password to something he would never guess: "ILoveWomenOver40"
Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, "No, he didn't!"
-- Seth Meyers
Two things happened last night: Donald Trump got elected president, and my job just got easier for the next four years.
For the millions who are disappointed for Hillary, remember, America has a special place for people who lose. Ironically, it's the cast of "Celebrity Apprentice."
Donald Trump will be the first U.S. president ever to have appeared in an ad for Pizza Hut. In fact, some pundits are predicting Trump will run in 2020 against Flo from Progressive.
It's been 48 hours since the election -- I'm happy to report the healing has begun. I just unblocked three family members on Facebook.
Some analysts say a Donald Trump presidency could cripple the future of legalized marijuana. And to make matters worse, once it's crippled, Trump will make fun of it.
-- Conan
When Hillary found out she lost she conceded with grace and dignity. When Gary Johnson found out he lost he was like, "Wait, the election was yesterday?"
Not everybody was wishing Trump goodwill. There were protests in several cities including New York and Los Angeles. Here in L.A., protesters shut down the 101 Freeway. Traffic on the 101 was an absolute standstill as people sat trapped in their cars for hours -- and then the protesters arrived.
California overwhelmingly went Democrat. So what this means is that these Clinton supporters stopped the cars of people who almost definitely voted for Hillary Clinton. Wasn't their day bad enough?
-- James Corden
Today, the transfer of power began when President Obama hosted Trump at the White House for the most surprising remake of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner."
-- Steven Colbert
I had the weirdest, weirdest dream last night. Remember that guy who used to host "The Apprentice"? I dreamed we elected him president.
As the evening went on and the results came in, every anchor looked like a child slowly realizing that no one was showing up to his birthday party.
Hillary underperformed among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, and young voters. Really the only place she did very well was among pollsters.
It was another interesting day in America today. The transfer of power has already begun at the White House this morning. President Obama sat down with President-elect Trump, but Trump did a funny thing. He came in and said, "You're fired."
They were besieged by reporters in the Oval Office at which point the president offered Mr. Trump unsolicited advice for dealing with the press. [plays clip of Obama] "Thank you, everybody. We're not -- we are not going to be taking any questions. [To Trump] This is a good rule -- don't answer any questions when they're yelling at you."
"It’s a movement comprised of Americans from all races, religions, backgrounds and beliefs, who want and expect our government to serve the people, and serve the people it will." Donald Trump's Victory Speech 11/9/16
INSIDE EVERY LIBERAL IS A TOTALITARIAN SCREAMING TO GET OUT -- Frontpage mag
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