The University of California at San Diego announced Wednesday that its researchers made a major discovery in the field of migraine headache research. They've discovered a migraine headache trigger that is located in the mouth. It's in the mouth of the other party's presidential candidate.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton did stand-up comedy at the Al Smith Dinner in New York Thursday. They both started strong then went too long and died. This year's choice for president is so awful that one hundred-ten counties have printed their Vote-by-Mail ballots on air sickness bags.
Hillary dismissed the WikiLeaks revelations about her campaign and ripped Russia for spying on her. It's hilarious. Raised in the Cold War, Baby Boomers never thought we'd someday have Russian spies to thank for providing America with balanced press coverage in a presidential election.
Donald Trump made recent headlines when he said if he were president that Hillary would be in prison for all the e-mail crimes and cover-ups. He walked that back a little last week. Trump explained that he'll get to Hillary after he safely jails Miss Universe Alicia Machado for weight gain.
Hillary Clinton and Donald stuck hard to their debate strategies in Las Vegas Wednesday. At one point, both Hillary and Trump agreed that cereal is important, cereal should be eaten daily, and that cereal is best with skim milk. The moderator said that's fine but the question was about Syria.
Donald Trump got emotional performing at the Al Smith Dinner in New York Thursday along with Hillary. It was a rare moment. The last time Trump got emotional around women was eighteen years ago, but eventually he developed a resistance to pepper spray and he hasn't cried since.
Donald Trump was accused by another woman of groping her Friday as Bill Clinton notched yet another accuser in Ft. Smith from his Arkansas days. They are tied at ten apiece. Americans would have lost all interest in the presidential contest if it weren't for the side race for the Cosby Cup.
Hillary Clinton returned to the campaign trail after a week's absence Friday to try to maintain her very slight lead in several of the nationwide polls. However she has been plagued by daily problems caused by WikiLeaks. Doctors say this is a common problem for sixty-eight-year-old people.
Hillary Clinton in the debate Wednesday blurted out the top-secret time it takes for the military to respond to a president's order for nuclear attack, then Trump wouldn't promise to recognize the results of the votes. How scary is this election? Mexico just agreed to build a wall no matter who wins.
The Wall Street Journal forecasts tightening polls during the last two weeks of the presidential campaign. U.S. voter interest appears to be peaking at the right time. The cable TV news ratings could hit an all-time high on Election Day unless of course they find out who robbed Kim Kardashian.
The Nobel Prize Committee announced Friday they are still trying to track down Bob Dylan in order to give him his prize. It's always something. Last week, Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature even though Donald Trump says the voted was rigged against The Art of the Deal.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell blamed the NFL's lower TV ratings this fall on competing super-events in sports and politics. The Cubs are in the World Series and Donald Trump may become president. Hell hasn't frozen over but the thermostat's been turned down to thirty-six degrees.
Rush Limbaugh ripped polls that give Hillary a lead over Trump by over-sampling Democrats while other polls have it tied. No one knows how the presidential race is going to turn out. Right now, America is a teenage girl in a horror movie who's decided to walk downstairs into the basement.
Donald Trump stumped in Florida Monday while Hillary spent the day campaigning in New England. They spent the entire day tearing each other to shreds. Michael Vick just realized that if he places a bet on either presidential candidate to win, he could go back to prison for dog-fighting.
Donald Trump gave a speech in Gettysburg Saturday outlining his agenda for his first one hundred days in office. It was an appropriate time for him to honor Lincoln's epic Gettysburg address. Four-score and seven female accusers from now, Trump will be tied with Cosby.
Donald Trump received backing from Christian evangelical leaders Saturday who backed up Trump's contention that he's a Born Again. People shouldn't doubt his Christian credentials. Donald Trump must have a thousand carpenters working for him and half of them are named Jesus.
Hillary Clinton's campaign chief John Podesta was revealed in WikiLeaks e-mails directing pollsters how to over-sample Democratic voters in Florida to get pro-Hillary results. There are also signs of voter fraud. The most popular tombstone inscription in Chicago is a sticker that says I Voted.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton spoke in Florida Tuesday and stuck to the issues. All day there were no Hitler comparisons, no outrage over e-mails, no female accusers and no rumors of serious illness. Apparently the American people have decided if we ignore them, they might go away.
Donald Trump rebounded in the polls Tuesday, surviving an onslaught of female accusers. It's a motley crew. Porn star Jessica Drake says Trump offered her ten grand to come up to his hotel room, but she turned him down because at the time she was in a committed relationship with a mule.
Hillary Clinton appointed a post-election Oval Office transition team. Friendly media certitude has her convinced she'll win. Cable news pundits who pretend to know how this election is going to come out confirms the theory that the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
Donald Trump was cheered Wednesday when he cited the network news broadcasts for unfair coverage of him. Now that's a salesman. Who else can borrow a million dollars from dad, become a billionaire, marry three models and complain that life is unfair, and have the public agree with him.
USA Today reports that both parties will have lawyers in polling places to guard against voter fraud on Election Day. It was reported that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote in Indiana. So that's why Hillary addressed a rally in Evansville yesterday and a séance in Indianapolis.
Newt Gingrich told Fox News host Megyn Kelly she's obsessed with sex while discussing the presidential race Tuesday. Voters face one question. Who'll bring us the most comedy, Trump sitting in the West Wing with plenty to do or Bill Clinton sitting in the East Wing with nothing to do?
The U.S. Border Patrol reported Wednesday that the southern border of the U.S. is being flooded by illegal immigrants this month. They want to get safely over the border before the election. All year long, Donald Trump's been saying that he's attracting Hispanics and now there's documented proof.
A professor at New York's State University at Stony Brook produced a mathematical model that shows Donald Trump will win the election. You can imagine Trump's reaction. When Donald Trump heard the news, he offered the mathematical model ten grand to come to his room sight unseen.
The Houston Post says that a woman is asking Texans to vote for her husband for the legislature to get him out of the house. It could become a national problem. The hardest part if Hillary is elected president is finding an office for Bill in the East Wing where Hillary can't walk in and surprise him.
Chapman University released a nationwide poll Wednesday showing that more Americans are afraid of clowns than they are terrorist attacks. It says that we're also more afraid of clowns than nuclear war or a stock market crash. It proves once and for all we are getting the election we deserve.
-- Argus Hamilton
Donald Trump's running mate, Mike Pence, threw a baseball to reporters today with a note saying that he's rooting for the Cubs. And then the reporters turned the ball over and the other side said, "Help!"
Donald Trump's campaign has to be getting a little worried because of some of the new poll numbers. Even Trump himself actually admitted that he's somewhat behind in the polls but not by much. But remember, this is a guy that thinks a million dollars from your dad is just a small loan.
Yesterday, The New York Times published a giant list of everyone and everything Trump has insulted on Twitter since declaring his candidacy. Then they had to print a correction today after Donald Trump insulted the list itself.
Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 years old today -- while Donald Trump said, "The media is reporting that today is Hillary's birthday, but a lot of people are telling me that it's actually MY birthday. Rigged!"
Hillary's press secretary posted a photo on Twitter of the staff surprising Hillary with a cake for her birthday. It was really fun -- you could hardly tell that Hillary had spent two hours practicing her "surprised" face.
-- Jimmy Fallon
Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 today. She made a wish, and then deleted the candles.
In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump's running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous -- everyone knows Trump is his own opponent.
-- Seth Meyers
Over the weekend in Gettysburg, Donald Trump told a crowd that as soon as the election ends he will sue the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. It's being called "the second greatest Gettysburg Address in history."
A new report in Indiana has found that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote. Which explains why today, Donald Trump held four rallies and three séances.
In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy.Urgent: Do You Back Trump or Hillary?
Today is a special day, today is Hillary Clinton's birthday. You could email her a birthday card, or just send it straight to WikiLeaks.
-- Conan
Hillary's birthday party is just like any other birthday party except when people yell "speech, speech," she charges them $250,000.
-- James Corden
Speaking of single-minded, century-long quests for victory at all costs, Hillary Clinton is in the news. As a native Chicagoan, Hillary Clinton's a lifelong Cubs fan. In fact, a picture of her reacting to the Cubs win went viral over the weekend. [show photo of wide-eyed Hillary's reaction] She hasn't been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons [shows photo of Hillary with same expression from Democratic National Convention].
CNN is reporting that Clinton "may have gone to Cubs games with her father as a kid, but after leaving Illinois, and around the same time she ran for Senate in New York, the former first lady touted her love for the New York Yankees." How convenient. As a 10-year-old she wears a Cubs hat. A mere 40 years later, she's in a Yankees hat. Is there no hat she won't wear? (shows fake photo of Hillary in "Make America Great Again" cap] OK, there's one hat.
Last night, former Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked by Megyn Kelly if Trump is a sexual predator. Gingrich accused Kelly of being more fascinated with sex than public policy. First off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If you're not, there's a pill for that now.
But the thing is, Megyn "Kelly File" isn't talking about fun-time, bedroom whoopee-making. She's talking about assault. Wait, unless Newt doesn't know the difference? Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, let's do this: "Newt, sweetheart, you're growing up so fast. In fact, you're 73. Your body's changing."
-- Steven Colbert
The Trump campaign launched what they say will be a nightly show on Facebook Live called "Trump Tower Live." Some people believe he's starting to build a new channel called Trump TV, which is great news -- finally we get a chance to see Donald Trump on TV.
Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Hillary has said that she likes the term first gentleman. She hasn't been able to say it without laughing but she likes the term.
Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie. If I had a vote I would go with the first lady's man.
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Mon Oct 31, 2016 4:26 am
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Front Porch Punditry
