Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton the most corrupt candidate in history on Thursday after Hillary Clinton described Trump as a serial abuser of women. Must America go through this torture every four years? If God had meant for us to have elections he would have given us candidates.
GOP VP candidate Mike Pence is okay after his passenger plane slid off the runway landing at La Guardia Airport Thursday. The plane spun sideways during landing, slid off into the mud and tilted until help arrived. The investigation found that the plane and Hillary go to the same neurologist.
Los Angeles Police arrested the guy who took credit Wednesday for smashing Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Hollywood Boulevard. He obliterated Trump's name and his star with a sledgehammer. If convicted, he could get thirty days as editor of the Los Angeles Times.
Newt Gingrich chided Megyn Kelly Tuesday for dwelling on groping claims against Donald Trump. Newt accused her of being more interested in sex than public policy. Newt, the reason Americans keep electing the Clintons is because everybody's more interested in sex than public policy.
Hillary Clinton held a big-money fundraiser in New York to celebrate her sixty-ninth birthday Wednesday. It included family and friends. After singing Happy Birthday they rolled out a huge birthday cake with sixty-nine candles on it and then Hillary made a wish and deleted the candles.
The FBI cited Russia for hacking Clinton campaign chief John Podesta's private e-mails and giving them to WikiLeaks to embarrass her. No one knows how bad it's going to get. Ever since WikiLeaks began releasing them, he's been lobbying Congress for stronger laws against prison rape.
Donald Trump's hopes soared Friday after the FBI found evidence on Hillary's e-mails while investigating Anthony Weiner for sexting minors on his smart-phone. You can't make it up. Sesame Street just opened by announcing that today's news is being brought to you by the letters W, T and F.
Hillary Clinton denied knowing if the FBI found new evidence on her by examining the smart-phone of Huma Abedin's husband Anthony Weiner. His sexting name is Carlos Danger. Hillary is calling for Carlos Danger to be deported and for the inventor of the Internet Al Gore to be executed.
FBI Director Jim Comey reopened the probe into Hillary's e-mail scandal ten days before the election. Get your popcorn and enjoy the show. There are six huge movie studios in Hollywood that were built one hundred years ago with all the money they made by tying blondes to the railroad tracks.
The FBI's investigation into Hillary's e-mail scandal involves possible obstruction of justice and multiple counts of concealment of public records. It's all part of the cycle of life. You start out your public career by investigating Richard Nixon and you end it by channeling Richard Nixon.
Porn star Jessica Drake charged this week that Donald Trump propositioned her ten years ago at a Tahoe golf tournament and turned him down. It's a new low for American politics. Porn stars now say that the idea of having sex with a presidential candidate makes them feel dirty and ashamed.
West Hollywood hosted its annual Halloween Parade on Monday with hundreds of thousands of people marching in costume along Santa Monica Boulevard. The revelers were all hoping to win the parade's prize for the most frightening costume. The winner came dressed as Election Day.
Al Gore warned in a Politico interview Saturday that Trump would take America to a climate catastrophe. How swiftly fortunes change in politics. Just two weeks ago, Hillary invited Al Gore to introduce her to a huge rally in Florida, and today she wants to kill him for inventing the Internet.
The FBI re-opened the Hilary probe while investigating Huma's husband Anthony Weiner for sexting and sending lewd photos of himself to a sixteen year-old girl. It's spawned a brand new cell-phone app. If you get an e-mail from Anthony Weiner, it automatically goes into the junk folder.
Hillary Clinton told the FBI to reveal any evidence against her on Huma's smart phone. They're searching for signs of pay-to-play. Hillary may not be technically savvy, but, she's the only one who ever got the e-mail from the Nigerian prince and actually collected the four hundred thousand dollars.
The FBI on Friday obtained a warrant to examine the six hundred and fifty thousand e-mails stored in Anthony Weiner's iPhone. They may reveal his wife Huma's subpoenaed but deleted communications with Hillary. So far, every e-mail stored in the iPhone reads, what are you wearing?
A Laugh Times poll showed comedians sharply divided over political jokes. If you make fun of Trump's outbursts, people think you're for Hillary, if you joke about something Hillary got caught doing, they think you're for Trump. It's like no one can accept you've found two idiots in one election.
Donald Trump campaigned in Michigan Monday with fresh momentum from the FBI Hillary probe. His surge in the polls has Democrats appalled. If Donald Trump becomes president, it will be the first time in history a billionaire moved into federal housing that was vacated by a black family.
The October Surprise in this presidential election turned out to be FBI Director Jim Comey's announcement last Friday that he's re-opened the case of Hillary Clinton's e-mails. Many people are disappointed. Most Americans were hoping that the October Surprise would be a viable candidate.
Hillary Clinton ripped FBI Director James Comey for re-opening her case on Friday. It seems like every Clinton staffer without immunity is under FBI probe. When the recording secretary at Hillary Clinton staff meetings calls the roll, they don't know whether to answer Present or Not Guilty.
The Hollywood Reporter released a survey showing that Hollywood overwhelmingly supports the Democrats. Last month, the cast of Orange Is the New Black posed for a photo to show their support for Hillary Clinton. If the FBI case goes any further against her, she may be joining the cast.
The New York Post reported a record-size Halloween parade in Manhattan Monday. The candidates stayed home. Every time kids rang Trump's bell and asked him for candy he declared bankruptcy, and Hillary got the scare of her life when a trick-or-treater came to her door dressed as a Lie Detector.
The ABC News poll had the presidential race in a virtual tie Tuesday. We know the candidates' weaknesses by now. Trump had to be hustled by staffers past a line of beautiful women anxious to meet him after his speech Tuesday while Hillary arrived at her Florida speech in a slow white Bronco.
Democrats demanded FBI Director James Comey be fired for re-opening Hillary's e-mail case Monday, two months after Republicans called for Comey to be fired when he refused to prosecute her. The FBI director is a man of unquestioned honesty and integrity in Washington. So he has to go.
Donald Trump found himself leading Hillary Clinton in three presidential polls Thursday. In just four days, Americans must choose for president either a billionaire womanizer or the first Methodist ever to head a crime family. As the pilot of the Hindenburg once shouted, this is not a drill.
The FBI reportedly found evidence Friday of Hillary Clinton's e-mail in her assistant Huma's husband Anthony Weiner's laptop. It's time to gather all the suspects in one room. Federal law enforcement officials have concluded that Hillary did it, with Anthony's Weiner, in the Conservatory.
UN climate official Ottmar Edenhoffer admitted the goal of UN climate change policy is not to repair any environmental damage but to redistribute the world's wealth. Media concern is way over the top. It's now widely accepted that global warming is the number one cause of documentaries.
-- Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton got quite a scare tonight. I guess a trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as a lie detector.
While hosting their final White House Halloween party yesterday, first lady Michelle Obama actually told the kids, "Hey! Candy for everybody!" Then Barack looked around and was like, "OK, who's that in the Michelle Obama costume?"
The election is just one week from today. So I guess in one week, we'll know if Donald Trump is our next president -- or if Hillary Clinton rigged the election.
A memo from a veteran spy says that Vladimir Putin has been supporting Donald Trump for five years. After hearing this, Trump said, "Oh my God, I forgot it was our anniversary! What do you get for five years? I hope it's not CHINA?"
A new poll finds that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a statistical tie just a week from Election Day. But on the bright side, at least Trump's finally in a tie that was made in America.
Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have run national commercials during the World Series games, marking the only time Cubs and Indians fans were booing at the same time.
-- Jimmy Fallon
Today was Halloween and right on cue, Hillary's private email server came back from the dead.
There are just eight days left until the election. So if anyone's still thinking of running, now's the time.
After claiming the election is rigged, Donald Trump said at a rally last week that the country should, quote, "Just cancel the election and give it to Trump." And then on Friday, FBI director James Comey said, "OK."
A Trump supporter was arrested in Iowa last week for in-person voter fraud after she attempted to vote twice. She said the first vote was to make America great. And the second one was to make America great again.
The 2016 presidential election is in exactly one week! One weak Republican, and one weak Democrat.
That's right, there's exactly one week until Election Day, and this is probably a bad sign, but that's where the calendar just stops.
Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password.
A recent study found that always letting children win games in competitions could damage their ability to learn. Which is scary, because [shows picture of pouting Trump] we're six days away from letting the biggest child win the biggest game.
In anticipation of her victory, Hillary Clinton has reportedly planned a fireworks show over the Hudson River for election night. Oh god, remember how excited she got over balloons? What's she going to do if she sees fireworks?
Authorities are investigating why an official FBI Twitter account, that have been dormant for over a year, suddenly posted several tweets praising Donald Trump. Oh, you don't know why? Well, take your time. I won't "Russia."
Former KKK leader David Duke told reporters today that if he's elected to the Senate, he would be Donald Trump's most loyal advocate. When asked what he'd do if Trump loses, Duke said, "I'll burn that cross when we come to it."
-- Seth Meyers
The rumor now is that there's a Donald Trump sex tape. Yes! In response, Trump is saying, "Vote for me or I'll release it. "
Yesterday, in a speech, President Obama said that when voting, young men should look deep inside themselves. So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton.
-- Conan
Now a lot of voters' stress has been caused by the bombshell FBI Director James Comey dropped on Friday when he said he was going to investigate more emails on Hillary's private server. Trump's feeling so sure of himself now that he actually asked early Hillary voters in Wisconsin to change their vote if they have "buyer's remorse." Yeah, and if anyone knows about buyer's remorse, it is the guy who gets remarried every few years.
In fact, buyer's remorse is the only thing that anyone learned from enrolling at Trump University.
If anyone has buyer's remorse, it's the Republican Party, isn't it? They're like, "Can I exchange this Trump for a Marco Rubio? What's that, you only have a Ben Carson? Don't worry, we're fine."
-- James Corden
On Friday, FBI Director James Comey re-animated the corpse of the Hillary Clinton email scandal. It's alive! It's alive!
The FBI found the emails while investigating illicit messages sent to an underage girl by Clinton aide Huma Abedin's estranged husband and es-strange guy Anthony Weiner.
Apparently, they found them while searching his laptop. Dear God, I hope they used gloves.
This October surprise comes right as Secretary Clinton was riding high in the polls in the wake of sexual assault accusations against Donald Trump. Truly, for the Clinton campaign, horny men giveth, and horny men taketh away.
Mark one's calendar because Election Day is but one week away. Seven days. Enough time to tell your family you love them and make your peace with God. As the captain of the "Titanic" once said, "This is not a drill."
It looks like the FBI is trying to hurt Hillary's campaign, which has a lot of people upset. Mostly Russia. That's THEIR gig.
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Mon Nov 07, 2016 6:21 am
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Front Porch Punditry
