#1 Today's Toons 5/15/17 by pookie18 15.05.2017 04:27


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In Case You Missed It Dept.:

Steven Colbert refused to apologize Wednesday for his vulgar rant against President Trump in the previous night's monologue. Colbert will cool off. Men of French ancestry are always testy as Cinco de Mayo approaches when the world is reminded that the French couldn't even defeat Mexico.

House Republicans suggested in victory Thursday that the GOP health care plan be labeled Trumpcare and Trump agreed. The bill is costing lives already. By Sunday, dozens of Democrats in Washington and Hollywood had choked to death trying to say the words Trump and Care together.

President Trump assured a dinner in New York Thursday he will build a wall on the Mexican border. He insisted he's in favor of legal immigration. The White House did not host a Mexican holiday celebration on Friday, however, President Trump wished everybody a Happy Cinco De-Ported.

Rising Star--The Rise of Barack Obama is a new thousand-page biography. It tells how Obama snorted cocaine into his twenties, showboated in law school classes, had numerous lovers and considered being gay. Old Testament lore would label him a member of the Lost Tribe of Kardashian.

Ellen DeGeneres declared on her show to Matt Lauer Thursday that she will not allow President Trump to be on her show. For the record, I take all my direction in politics, my beliefs in philosophy and my instruction in religion from celebrities. Some of these people have degrees from Beverly High.

The U.S. Senate held hearings Monday into the alleged Russian interference in the presidential election. It could set off a witch hunt that puts me in the Senate witness seat. During last fall's election, the NSA recorded me backstage at the Comedy Store colluding with Yakov Smirnov on a joke.

Barack Obama gave a speech accepting the JFK Profiles in Courage Award at the Kennedy Presidential Library at Harvard Sunday. It was a night of appreciation richly deserved. President Obama will go down in history as the only winner of the Nobel Peace Prize to bomb seven countries.

President Obama signaled the media Sunday to stop the GOP from ending Obamacare. Now here comes the hysteria. If bacteriologists had named a stomach virus after Obama, Democrats would form a human chain around Chipotle's to block the food inspectors from entering the kitchen.

President Trump's victory celebration in the Rose Garden for House Republicans who voted out Obamacare was ripped by Democrats Thursday. They said it only included old white men. Today's Democrats would flip out if they ever saw the group photo of the signers of the Constitution.

The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood celebrated its forty-fifth anniversary Monday with a special all-star show. It was touch and go for awhile. Concerned ticket-holders lit up the switchboard that afternoon when word spread around Los Angeles that Trump had fired Comedy.

President Trump's firing of Jim Comey put Capitol Hill in partisan lockdown Tuesday. In just three months, Trump has fired the National Security Advisor and the Acting Attorney General, and the FBI Director and forty-six U.S. Attorneys. This is the craziest season of The Apprentice EVER.

President Trump sent a note to Jim Comey saying the Attorney General recommended he be fired and said he'd accepted that recommendation. My guess is, he was keeping a campaign promise. At the end of election night, Donald Trump DID ask Hillary if there was anything he could do for her.

Chuck Schumer called for a special counsel to probe Trump's campaign ties to Russia about which Trump says he knows nothing. It's crazy. For two years, Democrats have said Trump doesn't know anything, and now that Trump says he didn't know anything, the Democrats don't believe him.

President Trump's firing of the FBI Director had Democrats comparing Trump to Nixon and the firing to Nixon's Saturday Night Massacre. The anger had to surprise the White House. Donald Trump fired people on TV every week for ten years and people loved it, and now everybody gets upset.

Jim Comey was in L.A. attending an FBI recruiting event and when he got the word he'd been fired and headed for the airport. TV cameras followed his motorcade escorted by police down the San Diego Freeway. People in L.A. just assumed O.J. Simpson had been named the new FBI Director.

Jim Comey's SUV drove through L.A. Tuesday at FBI standard two-to-five miles an hour below the speed limit. That's a good way to get pulled over here. Whenever an L.A. traffic cop sees you obeying the speed limit, they know you are either an illegal immigrant or you've got coke in the trunk.

House and Senate Democrats exulted Tuesday that Comey's firing proved that Trump's people were talking to the Russians. They had a letdown a little later. One news anchor told a group of Democrats it was legal to talk to foreign diplomats and it ruined the vibe like a straight guy on Bravo.

Barack Obama took some heat from Democrats for his four hundred thousand dollar speeches this past weekend. Former presidents have many opportunities to make money. It was reported in Publisher's Weekly Tuesday that Bill Clinton is writing a crime novel, it's called My Life with Hillary.

President Trump scoffed at liberal fury over his firing of Jim Comey whom Democrats wanted fired since he cost Hillary the election. Looking at the way the liberals reacted to Comey's firing, Trump should come out in favor of illegal immigration. The liberals would demand mass deportations.

-- Argus Hamilton

The White House announced yesterday that President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Yet another long-time dream that Trump stole from Hillary.

President Vladimir Putin said today that Russia had "nothing to do with" the firing of FBI Director James Comey. And you can tell, because Comey's alive.

-- Seth Meyers

North Korea reported that there was a U.S.-sponsored plot launched against Kim Jong Un. Apparently two CIA agents tried to sneak up on Kim and give him a man's haircut.

Former President Bill Clinton is collaborating on a novel about a U.S. president who goes missing. Clinton is describing the novel as "part fiction, part alibi."

Today, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he had nothing to do with the firing of FBI Director James Comey. Putin said, "How could I? He's still alive, isn't he?"

Analysts are saying that last night's events could be "the beginning of the end for Donald Trump." Oh wait, I'm sorry, this joke is from a monologue I did last year.

-- Conan

(Thank you, Rev)

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